Top 5 Best Russ Quotes

Married’s first season has officially climaxed and come to an end. What’s the best way to celebrate? Let’s pay tribute to Russ with a collection of his best quotes on his least favorite subject: his moribund sex life. Here’s the top five:

1)     Vacation: is it the only hope?   

QUOTE: “I’m just excited for the hotel sex. We haven’t had real sex in our own bed since the kids.”

2)     The first step towards a meaningless existence?

QUOTE: “I just don’t want to be told I have meaningless semen.”

3)     It’s too bad dressing like a vampire didn’t put more bite into their sex life. 

QUOTE: “It’s not even sex anymore. It’s somewhere between pity sex and necrophilia.”

4)     Another mouth to feed makes sex a risky (but worthwhile) proposition.

QUOTE: “I did put a condom on. Your vagina ate it.”

5)     When in doubt, it never hurts to be nostalgic.

QUOTE: “If you listen very closely, you can hear the orgasms of yesteryear.”

19
Sep

Misery loves company. 

13
Sep

Cutting corners and lines. 

09
Sep

Creeper

05
Sep

One woman’s birth is another woman’s funeral.

01
Sep

Top Five Purchases Of Doom!

If this season of Married has taught us anything, it’s that the quickest way to an argument is a controversial purchase.  In honor of Russ and Lina’s frequent disagreements, here’s a look at the Top 5 purchases that just might doom your relationship.

That Cherry Red Mustang - Thought your kid’s college fund was better used on a muscle car?  At least you’ll look hot on that long drive to Couch City.  

 

That Adorable Puppy For Your Kids – You may think you’ve seen evil in this world, but nothing will compare to the wrath that will rain upon you the minute Rover eats a pair of your wife’s designer shoes.  

 

A Gym Membership? – How can such a worthwhile purchase also be the world’s worst gift?  If you value your relationship, don’t find out.

Your Dream Home – Sure, three bedrooms and a heli-pad would be nice, but you don’t want your marriage gasping for breath as your mortgage goes underwater. 

That Trip To Vegas – If you’re gonna spend money on a guy’s weekend, just make sure the gift you bring home to your wife doesn’t need penicillin.

29
Aug

Let it go. Let it go. 

28
Aug

He didn’t wear the pants in his marriage…or anywhere really.

26
Aug

Homeowner envy.

25
Aug

When you can’t afford a therapist, your child’s teacher is the next best thing. 

24
Aug